|
5 Years Ago Today... m4w
It's a day that will forever haunt me. It's the day that you said you were leaving me, wanted a divorce, admitted that the marriage was under false pretenses, and that the life that we supposedly shared was a lie. The lie of us became more apparent a year later when we (I) tried to give it another go. I still remember my fears about us getting married, and even the fear that I shared with you when we got together again, and the agony I went through to find myself living through them when things went exactly as I had thought they would. It all still affects me to this day. The only thing I ever truly desired from you was honesty. For years I had asked you why you responded to me the way you did, why you would constantly fight me on things, and why you couldn't talk to me about how you were feeling. Yes, I did lose hope, and it tested my patience beyond what I had thought I was capable of. Many times I seriously thought about ending our relationship, even before we were married. Those nights where we would find ourselves in an arguement and I would go for a drive for a few hours... It was more than just leaving until I was calm enough to come home. I had to keep asking myself why I was still with you, and why I wanted to continue in that travesty of a relationship. It always came down to how much I loved you, and at that point I would usually pull over somewhere and cry because I desperately wanted us to work out. I didn't help you through all of your schooling and keep you on task because I didn't have anything better to do. I did it all because I loved you. And regardless of all that was happening between us, I took you at face value when you would tell me you loved me too. Maybe you thought you did. I can remember even questioning that to you, bringing up all of the fights and how you would treat me, and how even with you telling my you loved me, it was difficult to believe. Every time it came down to you saying your brain felt like "scrambled eggs." You refused to talk to me about your counsiling appointments, and you always played with your meds, taking different ammounts at different times, never being consistant with them. And through all of the struggles and against every instinct I had, I still stayed with you. I even proposed to you, even with extreme reservations about it. My, what a fool you made of me all of those years. After all was said and done, when you told me that you had been lying to me for years and only stayed with me because you were waiting for a better opportunity to come along, I became an empty shell of a man. Completely hollow inside, incapable of feeling anything but apathy, disgust, and rage. Your lack of feeling or remorse about it only fueled it more. It took a long time to find myself again after that. I have, though, and am nearly back to the person I was prior to "us." I no longer feel that rage that once consumed me. I am in a good relationship now, with someone that has never given me reason to question her motives or feelings. It was rough for a while, mostly because of the angst I was still struggling with, as her and I had started dating only a few months after our last and final break up. It wasn't fair for her, I know, and I constantly appologized to her for some issues that errupted. She said that all that I was going through, she understands how difficult it is, and that I was worth it, and that she would help me overcome all of the emotional torment I had been subjected to. She has been here, and still is right here by my side. Today, I found myself struggling a bit to get through the day. I just felt a bit off, and didn't know why. The only music I could stand to listen to was that which reflected my feelings of years ago, and I found myself thinking alot about you and everything you put me through. It didn't dawn on me why until I had to write today's date on some paperwork. That's when I remembered that evening, sitting on the futon in that store, holding you in my arms, looking out the window and daydreaming out loud about how optimistic I was about our future, and then you completely tearing my world apart minutes later. With all of the healing I've done, yes, it still gets to me sometimes. Mostly on certain days, like today, holidays, anniversaries, birthdays... And I keep thinking of how stupid I am, because the only reason why it STILL hurts is because there are still some shreds of feelings in my heart for you, and I still can't for the life of me understand why they are still there, after everything, and after all this time. We haven't even spoken in over 3 1/2 years. I guess a bit of you was still reflecting in the shards of the shattered heart that I've been piecing back together. Anyway, I thought I would take a few minutes to get all of this out there, venting to the world my feelings. I do hope that in whatever life you've made for yourself in all of these years, you find happiness and success. That is all I have ever wished of you. So, here's to you, and whoever holds my baby blue tonight.
|